I SHIPPED MY COUCH!

Dear Dr. Kittens,

I was watching Netflix last night, and I was really enjoying Interstellar (2014). This time I stayed awake for the whole thing. The actor that plays Jamie on Yellowstone, Wes Bentley, was one of the astronauts. Also the main character’s son, Tom, as a teenager was played by Timothee Chalamet. This was reassuring as I thought both these actors came out of thin air.

Anyway I’ve been getting over a very mild case of Covid and was very gassy (this is a symptom of Covid). The film was almost over and one of these staccatto farts turned out to be was more than a fart. I got up to get to the downstairs bathroom while this brown gopher slowly emerged from his hole. Each step revealed more gopher. I made it to the throne, but it took a shower to get cleaned up. I know this is not great but my real fear is: can this happen again anytime?

I mean, having poor bowel control is not super great.

Sincerely,

Anxious Couch Shipper

Dear Anxious Couch Shipper,

I hear you and the whole thing is funny. At least for you you were likely wearing pants. With me Im commando all the time and my bath routine is all by mout as Im a cat. You can imagine how bad this might be if I ever ship a couch. Really I mostly throw up and sort of do it everywhere. One of my humans usually cleans it up… although; lately the whole place is a disaster.

Seriously if you have Covid , you should regain control of your bowels once the virus is clear. As an extra measure of safety, bring a spare set of clothing to work. Tell a friend at work they’re your designated clothing getter if there’s a problem. Make sure this person is not a rival for some future job you want. Being a spontaneous shipper may not be a great attribute in case I’m wrong about this problem clearing. Always take your phone when going to the bathroom or get an apple watch with a cellular connection so you can avoid having to walk back to your desk with poop up your back. Or, institute a new company policy that offers large towels or robes in every bathroom as you want everyone to feel safe should they ship their pants. I think the frst plan maybe smarter.

Good luck,

Dr. Kittens

EAR HAIR!

Hi Dr. Kittens,

I’m a single 32 yr old woman working at a big sportswear company in a suburb in Oregon. There’s a manager in the Team Sports Marketing that I met in the cafeteria. He’s a great guy but seems a little too old for me. He looks great and I dont think twice about thinking he’s maybe 45 at most. We’ve been going out for a few months and I’ve noticed alot of nose and ear hair almost suddenly. I’m thinking he may be much older than my estimate.

The big deal is if we get super serious stick together, get married and have kids, I’m concerned about the old dad side effects. Those being: autistic kids, a dad that cant participate in the kids’ sporting life and the worst thing, I become nurse maid to this guy when I’m in my 50’s and he’s in his 70’s.

What do you think I should do?

Sincerely,

Earritated Girlfriend

Dear Earritated Girlfriend,

My initial reaction was I was offended as I’m a cat I and have a ton of of ear hair. I took a deep breath and read the sign over my mirror that says “it’s not all about you.” In human men ear hair is certainly genetic but it does hit Caucasian and African American men in their late 50’s. Also are his ears and nose looking large? That’s a tell of increased age. Ask him what TV shows he watched as a kid If he says Bewitched or the Brady Bunch, he’s old. Another big idea I have is: just ask him how old he is. Does he have kids?. How old are they?

As for the autism risk, I’m not the expert but I have heard what you’ve stated, older men may increase the risk. If he or you are super rich then having an autistic kid will be less difficult. Maybe you’l have the next Elon Musk? Ok a nicer version of Elon, stil though, its hard to not recognize his success.

If he does have kids , do you think he wants to relive the whole child raising adventure again? What if the kid is autistic and not just brilliant and amusingly odd, but really cognitively affected?

Here’s an idea: remember in A Handmaid’s Tale when Elizabeth Moss’s character has the encounter with the driver to get pregnant because the commander’s semen was low on sperm? You could do the same thing and have a brief encounter with a younger man that’s the same coloring as your guy. Now if you get pregnant this way, and you’re watching a Hand Maid’s Tale with your guy and this episode comes up , don’t blow it and say “this is what I did to get pregnant/” or “Marla was right!” This will just lead to questions and hurt feelings.

Bottom line: just put on your big girl pants, and discuss all this except for the Hand Maid’s Tale part.

Good luck and let me know how it all turns out.

Dr. Kittens

RULES OF THE ROAD

Dear Dr. Kittens,

HOW I BECAME A CAT PSYCHOLOGIST

Hi, Dr. Kittens here. I get a lot of emails asking how I became a cat psychologist, and of course, what does that mean?

Are you a psychologist that specializes in cats or are you a cat and a psychologist? The answer is both, but my work is mostly for humans. The next question is how did you become a psychologist? It’s simple, when I was a kitten , and while my humans last name was Kittens, thus my name Marla Kittens, I mean when I was a juvenile cat I was given a Signund Freud cat toy. I loved my Freud cat toy. When it became time for a major in college, I sort of naturally went to psychology.

We’ve trained several lesser known astronauts for NASA. Remember Captain Sarah “Whiskers” Reynolds, probably not, but she was a cat that initially trained on the toy Shuttle toy above. She was a cat. This saved the USA millions of dollars. Remember a cat goes from kitten to adult in 1 year and overall cat expenses are so much lower than a human.

The take home from this i is if you’re a parent, you can influence your child’s interests by exposing them to those interests.If you want your kid to become a cardio-thoracic surgeon expose your kid to lots of cardio thoracic experiences. If you’re kid’s a cat, get your them a chicken heart to play with and they’ll likely eat it . that’s a two for one. You’re welcome.

CLEANING CAN TOPS

Dear Marla,

My girlfriend and I live together in Amherst, Massachusettes, and we love Spindrift, that sparkling water that is infused with real fruit Juice. We really like the lime version. We keep several cans in our Sub Zero refrigerator ( BTW, this is a spectacular refrigerator) and we each probably drink at least one can per day, sometimes two!

My problem is my girlfriend never washes off the tops of the cans and even though the product is boxed, I’m a little concerned that one of us may get the latest Covid variant from an unwashed can top. Because of this I always pour my Spindrift into a glass with these spectacular clear ice cubes (thanks Sub Zero). Even doing the pouring has me a little freaked, but yeah, I’m a risk taker and I do it. Sometimes though, when friends are over, I don’t want to seem like a wuss and want to drink directly from the can, but I just am afraid Ill get something.

Should we split up? Should I wipe in front of her? What should I do?

Sincerely,

Better Safe Than Sorry

Dear Not a Can Licker. I mean, BSTS,

This is a big problem and I’m glad you’ve come to me. You’ve come to the plight race, I mean right place. I’m on a lot of pain killers and I’ve been mixing up my prefixes. I just got a set of Invisilign retainers. I feel like I went t from retainer 7 to retainer 3 and my mouth heally rurts, I mean, really hurts. I have a Cat dentist, that is a dentist for catts though she could be a cat. I think this whole Invisilign For Pets thing maybe a scam. Anyway, back to your problem…

Ok, I got it. You’re definitely a little OCD, but i hear you, better safe than sorry given the whole pandemic thing. My humans love Spindrift, ttoo. I wish they made a meat based formulation for me. Your girlfriend may be right about the cans being clean given Spindrift being boxed, but do I look like a Food processing engineer?! No , I do not. I’m not at the canning plant so like you, I’m not super sure how clean those can tops really are. Sorry for the outburst I’m just in a lot of pain Since receiving your letter, I have licked a few can tops and I get nothing. I do see a Cybertruck after each lick. Yeah, I know its stainless steel. I’m just telling you what I see and taste.Yeah, some synesthesia on board.

Here is what I suggest:

1. Wipe the can in front of her or anyone, this is a common practice Holy cow you live together. You should be able to wipe in front of each other. Some of the best airlines do this (at least for first class passengers). Also, I’m sure you’ve noticed Pellegrino cans have a foiled protective label over the can tops for this reason
2. If you really want to prove your hygienic point with her, you could probably buy a pet turtle and play with it during dinner with her. She probably knows that this poses a Salmonella risk.
3. Or, if you want to really prove your specific point, buy a a little Closstridium Botulinum bacteria ( you’ll probably get flagged as a domestic terrorist if you’re not an employee of the CDC) and put a couple of drops on your can of Spindrift. Have a cold one and you”ll get super sick, maybe even die. You may need to be on a ventilator. This will prove you’re right. Make sure not to use a credit card because if she pays the bills, you’ll be screwed when she finds out you did this to yourself.

Let us know how it goes.

Marla