Cleaning Can Tops

Dear Marla,

My girlfriend and I live together in Amherst, Massachusettes, and we love Spindrift, that sparkling water that is infused with real fruit Juice. We really like the lime version. We keep several cans in our Sub Zero refrigerator ( BTW, this is a spectacular refrigerator) and we each probably drink at least one can per day, sometimes two!

My problem is my girlfriend never washes off the tops of the cans and even though the product is boxed, I’m a little concerned that one of us may get the latest Covid variant from an unwashed can top. Because of this I always pour my Spindrift into a glass with these spectacular clear ice cubes (thanks Sub Zero). Even doing the pouring has me a little freaked, but yeah, I’m a risk taker and I do it. Sometimes though, when friends are over, I don’t want to seem like a wuss and want to drink directly from the can, but I just am afraid Ill get something.

Should we split up? Should I wipe in front of her? What should I do?


Better Safe Than Sorry

Dear Not a Can Licker. I mean, BSTS,

This is a big problem and I’m glad you’ve come to me. You’ve come to the plight race, I mean right place. I’m on a lot of pain killers and I’ve been mixing up my prefixes. I just got a set of Invisilign retainers. I feel like I went t from retainer 7 to retainer 3 and my mouth heally rurts, I mean, really hurts. I have a Cat dentist, that is a dentist for catts though she could be a cat. I think this whole Invisilign For Pets thing maybe a scam. Anyway, back to your problem

Ok, I got it. You’re definitely a little OCD, but i hear you, better safe than sorry given the whole pandemic thing. My humans love Spindrift, ttoo. I wish they made a meat based formulation for me. Your girlfriend may be right about the cans being clean given Spindrift being boxed, but do I look like a Food processing engineer?! No , I do not. I’m not at the canning plant so like you, I’m not super sure how clean those can tops really are. Sorry for the outburst I’m just in a lot of pain Since receiving your letter, I have licked a few can tops and I get nothing. I do see a Cybertruck after each lick. Yeah, I know its stainless steel. I’m just telling you what I see and taste.Yeah, some synesthesia on board.

Here is what I suggest:

  1. Wipe the can in front of her or anyone, this is a common practice Holy cow you live together. You should be able to wipe in front of each other. Some of the best airlines do this (at least for first class passengers). Also, I’m sure you’ve noticed Pellegrino cans have a foiled protective label over the can tops for this reason
  2. If you really want to prove your hygienic point with her, you could probably buy a pet turtle and play with it during dinner with her. She probably knows that this poses a Salmonella risk.
  3. Or, if you want to really prove your specific point, buy a a little Closstridium Botulinum bacteria ( you’ll probably get flagged as a domestic terrorist if you’re not an employee of the CDC) and put a couple of drops on your can of Spindrift. Have a cold one and youll get super sick, maybe even die. You may need to be on a ventilator. This will prove you’re right. Make sure not to use a credit card because if she pays the bills, you’ll be screwed when she finds out you did this to yourself.

Let us know how it goes.


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